Welcome to Dear Dr Tej, a space for parents to ask honest questions about their child’s education and wellbeing. Each week, we share answers from Performance Learning founder Dr Tej Samani to help families navigate the emotional ups and downs of school life with calm, clarity and confidence. Submit a question of your own at the bottom of this page.
Dear Dr Tej,
I am writing because I feel completely stuck. My daughter is in Year 11 and is working so hard for her GCSEs, yet nothing seems to stick. She revises most evenings in the lead up to exams (including mocks) and is great at staying organised. However, when it comes to exams, she freezes and forgets everything she has studied. It is really starting to impact her confidence and I can see she is beginning to think of herself as a ‘failure’. We try to help her at home as much as we can by offering support and encouragement at home but it doesn’t seem to work, so I’m not sure what else to do. I don’t want to push her too hard but, at the same time, I know she is capable of more than her results are showing. How can I support her without overwhelming her?
– Worried Parent
Dr Tej says:
Thank you so much for getting in touch and being brave enough to share something that many parents quietly worry about. When a child works hard but does not see the results they expect, it creates a painful sense of confusion. The hours they are putting in are undeniable and commendable, and everyone around them is rooting for them to succeed… yet something just isn’t working out when it comes to the actual exam setting.
This gap between effort and outcome is often the thing that troubles parents most because it feels unfair. It also leaves you unsure about what to say or how to help without adding more pressure. So let me reassure you from the very beginning: what you are describing is not a sign that your daughter is falling behind. It is a sign that she is using strategies that do not match the way her brain learns and how her brain recalls information when under pressure. This is a practical issue, not a personal one.
Why students freeze during exams
You mentioned that your daughter puts in so effort ahead of exams, but freezes or forgets what she has revised when in a pressurised environment. This experience is far more common than many students admit. Most young people study through repetition; they re-read notes, highlight pages and watch videos about the relevant topics again and again. These activities feel productive because they create a sense of familiarity. The problem is that familiarity is not the same thing as memory.
When you re-read information, your brain recognises the material but does not strengthen the pathways that allow you to recall it under pressure. I like to explain it to the teens I coach as a little like walking through a field. If you walk through tall grass once or twice, the path remains faint. If you walk the same route regularly, the path becomes clearer. Revision needs the same strengthening. Active recall, mnemonic devices and stimulating exam-like conditions with past papers help create clear thinking paths that the brain can find easily.
When a student goes into a test with weak pathways, the stress of the moment makes recall even harder. The brain begins to panic because it knows the information is stored in there somewhere, but it cannot pull it forward fast enough. The child then assumes the problem is them. They blame their memory, their intelligence or their ability to cope… or all of the above. But, as you know as a parent, this isn’t the case.
The emotional impact when exams don’t go to plan
You also mentioned that your daughter’s confidence is slipping. This is pivotal to address because it tells us that her experience with exams not going to plan is no longer just academic.
One thing I’ve noticed as an exam coach is that confidence issues build slowly. A student will start by comparing themselves to friends who revise less and get more, then start wondering why their effort does not translate into results. Soon enough, a quiet belief forms in the background. They start to think they are not good at certain subjects or that exams are something they will always struggle with. This belief becomes more damaging than any exam. It drains energy, motivation and resilience.
So, worried parent, your aim now is to break this belief apart before it becomes part of your daughter’s identity. The way to do that is to separate effort from strategy. Instead of saying ‘work harder’, we shift the message to ‘work differently’. When a young person sees that a small change in approach leads to better recall, the confidence gap will start to close. They realise they are capable, they simply needed tools they had not been shown.
What you can do at home
You asked what you can do to help without overwhelming your daughter. The good news is that the most effective changes are small and manageable. Start by helping her reduce the length of her revision sessions, because long, drawn-out evenings create fatigue and give very little return. Instead, aim for short bursts of focused work with clear goals. Honestly, 10 to 15 minutes of active recall is more powerful than an hour of re-reading.
Here are a few simple techniques that I find always work well for students who freeze in exams:
Teach back: Ask them to explain a topic to you in plain language. If they can teach it, they understand it. If they cannot, it shows exactly where to focus next.
Flashcards done properly: Instead of creating hundreds of cards, encourage fewer, better ones. Each card should prompt recall, not recognition. That might mean a question, a definition to produce or a diagram to redraw.
Mini check-ins: Instead of asking your child how revision is going, ask what they can remember without looking. This keeps the focus on memory, rather than time spent.
Topic slicing: Break subjects into small chunks. Students often say they are revising science or English which is far too broad. Slicing topics into small chunks, with dedicated tasks, creates quick wins and reduces the feeling of being overwhelmed.
I want to end by reassuring you just one more time: your daughter is not struggling because she lacks ability. She is struggling because she has not yet been shown how to learn in a way that suits her brain. When she experiences even a small breakthrough, the belief that she is capable will return. Once you start building momentum within that, she’ll feel unstoppable.
Progress builds confidence and confidence builds momentum. Keep conversations warm, keep your expectations realistic and remind her that her effort is not wasted. With the right adjustments, you will both begin to see the progress she has been working so hard for.
Do you have a question about your child’s education and/or wellbeing for Dr Tej? Submit it here and we’ll endeavour to answer in a future blog post.
