Welcome to Dear Dr Tej, a space for parents to ask honest questions about their child’s education and wellbeing. Each week, we share answers from Performance Learning founder Dr Tej Samani to help families navigate the emotional ups and downs of school life with calm, clarity and confidence. Submit a question of your own at the bottom of this page.
Dear Dr Tej,
I am hoping you can help because I feel completely out of my depth. My son is 12 and, over the past term, he has stopped wanting to go to school. Some mornings he freezes, other mornings he becomes tearful or has a meltdown. On the worst days, he refuses to leave the house altogether and barricades himself in his room. It breaks my heart. I keep trying to stay calm but inside I am worried sick.
We have spoken to him so many times, but he either shrugs it off or storms off. Teachers say that once he is at school he seems “quiet but fine”, so I feel stuck in the middle not knowing what is real and what is panic. I do not want to force him if something deeper is going on, but I also know staying home cannot become a long term solution.
Why do children refuse to go to school and what is the right way to support them without making everything harder?
– A Confused Parent
Dr Tej says:
Thank you for reaching out and being so honest about what you’re facing. When a child refuses to go to school, parents are often left trying to solve a puzzle without having all the pieces.
I want to be clear: nothing you have described is uncommon and it does not mean you are doing anything wrong. School refusal is almost always a sign that a child feels overwhelmed by something they cannot yet put into words. The behaviour appears first, the explanation follows later.
We actually created an in-depth Performance Learning guide on what to do when a child is refusing to go to school, which you can read here when you get a moment.
In the meantime, let’s explore what might be happening beneath the surface for your son specifically – and how you can guide him back to calm, steady routines.
Why school is overwhelming for some children
School is a busy, unpredictable place. For some children, simply the constant noise and movement feels too intense. For others, they may be struggling to fit in with their peers, or ‘falling behind’ in classes.
These students hold it together during the day and then unravel at home where they feel safest. The refusal to go to school is often a sign that their emotional bucket is full and they cannot imagine carrying more.
Children rarely communicate this directly. Instead, you see stomach aches, tears, anger or sudden silence. When a child refuses to go to school, it is their way of saying something feels too heavy, without starting a difficult conversation.
School anxiety creeps in quietly
School anxiety rarely arrives in one big moment. It often grows bit by bit, until mornings feel impossible.
Your son may worry about being late, being noticed, making mistakes or facing something he thinks he cannot manage. He may also fear the separation from home if he feels safer in familiar surroundings.
An anxious child often cannot explain the reason because the sensation of fear comes before the understanding. That is why asking “What are you scared of?” rarely gets a clear answer. Their body reacts faster than their words.
Friendship struggles and shifting social dynamic
You say your son is 12-years-old. So, I think it’s worth you understanding just how quickly social dynamics can change at this age.
A friendship that felt secure in September can feel shaky by January. A fall out, a joke taken too far or feeling left out of a group chat (a common problem in schools today) can make school feel uncomfortable. Children often downplay these moments because they are embarrassed or fear making things worse.
A gentle, open conversation can reveal more than you expect. Asking “Who do you feel most yourself with at school?” often gives you clues without making your son feel interrogated.
‘Falling behind’ in class
Even children who seem capable can become overwhelmed by the pace of schoolwork. And falling behind in just one subject can make the whole school day feel stressful… and then make a child refuses to go to school.
If your son sits quietly in class, teachers may not notice he is struggling because he is not disruptive. Many parents only spot the issue when the morning battles start, but it will have likely been brewing long before this.
You can ask questions like “Which lessons feel longest?” or “Is there a subject you wish felt easier?” These prompt more honesty than asking whether they understand everything.
Lack of sleep
As adults, we know how badly lack of sleep affects us – but children are still learning this. Late screen use, gaming or racing thoughts can leave a child overtired and overwhelmed the next morning.
Not resting enough can magnify every emotion. A tired brain becomes rigid. It sees problems as threats and school as something to avoid.
Even small adjustments to your son’s evening routine may make mornings easier and reduce resistance.
What you can do right now
The key thing to do right now is create space for conversations with your son without pressure. I must warn: this isn’t something that will happen overnight. You need to offer your son opportunities, consistently, to speak about his feelings. And one day, he’ll feel comfortable enough to open up – even if it’s just a little bit.
Instead of asking why he will not go to school, ask what mornings feel like for him. This opens a door to speak about the problem, without actually speaking about.
At the same time, I recommend speaking with your son’s school. Teachers can observe patterns that children cannot articulate.
They may notice friendship difficulties, signs of anxiety or something totally different that you have no idea about. When home and school work together, children feel supported rather than caught between two worlds.
These adjustments give your son a sense of control at the points in the day that feel most challenging.
Little wins matter more than big leaps
Children do not overcome school refusal in one step; they recover through many small moments of confidence.
Each time your son manages even part of the school day, that success strengthens his belief that he can cope. Celebrate progress, stay consistent and remember that patience always goes further than pressure.
Your son is not trying to be difficult. He is trying to tell you that something feels too difficult to manage alone. With steady routines, warm communication and the right support from school, he can move through this period and come out stronger on the other side.
You are doing more right than you realise, and even just reaching out for advice is a testament to how much you want to help your son. It shows how committed you are to helping him feel safe and capable again.
Need help supporting your child back into school?
Performance Learning is here to help if your child refuses to go to school. We help young people rebuild confidence, manage anxiety and develop the tools they need to face school with more ease.
If you feel your child would benefit from personalised support, book a call with us today to learn more.
Do you have a question about your child’s education and/or wellbeing for Dr Tej? Submit it here and we’ll endeavour to answer in a future blog post.
