Welcome to Dear Dr Tej, a space for parents to ask honest questions about their child’s education and wellbeing. Each week, we share answers from Performance Learning founder Dr Tej Samani to help families navigate the emotional ups and downs of school life with calm, clarity and confidence. Submit a question of your own at the bottom of this page.
Dear Dr Tej,
I am really worried about my daughter. She is in Year 11 and, to give credit where credit’s due, she is a really hard worker. She revises ahead of exams, keeps on top of her homework and generally understands what she’s been learning. On paper, everything looks fine.
The problem is that whenever there is a test or assessment, she crumbles. And I’m not talking classic nerves, I’m talking about not sleeping the night before, feeling sick, shaking from fear and getting tearful at the smallest things.
Sometimes she begs not to go in. During the exam or test itself, her mind goes blank and she cannot remember things she knew perfectly well just a few days before. Afterwards, she is exhausted and gets really upset with herself.
She often says she is “stupid” or that she will never do well, even when her results aren’t actually bad. However, I do feel like her results could be better, but the exam anxiety is undoing all her hard work.
I have tried reassuring her, telling her she is prepared and reminding her that one test does not define her – but I just can’t get through to her. Exams turn her into a brick wall where no reasoning can penetrate it. To be honest, I worry that as exams become more important, this will only get worse.
How can we help her manage this exam anxiety before it starts to affect her confidence long term?
– A Mum On Edge
Dr Tej says:
Thank you for being so honest about what your daughter is facing. It sounds really tough for her – and for you, too. This is something I see all the time, especially in students who care deeply and really want to do well. As a parent, it is heartbreaking to watch your child put in the effort and then feel let down by their own nerves. You are right not to ignore it or hope it will simply pass. Paying attention to it now is one of the most supportive things you can do, so well done on that front.
Let me start with reassurance: your daughter is not broken or incapable. In fact, the students who experience this kind of exam anxiety are often the ones who care the most. Anxiety is a sign that her nervous system is working overtime to protect her from perceived threat.
How exam anxiety overrides knowledge
When your daughter enters a test situation, her brain is not assessing the paper in front of her. It is scanning for danger. It’s a primal response that all of us humans deal with from time-to-time.
Physically, I anticipate her heart is racing, her breathing is shallow and she’s starting to sweat as her body jumps into fight or flight response. This response is evolutional and was developed to protect us from physical harm. Of course, in the physically safe space of an exam hall, it is deeply unhelpful.
In this state, the part of the brain responsible for memory retrieval and logical thinking goes MIA. That is why your daughter’s mind goes blank even though she revised well. It is not that the information has disappeared, but rather it is temporarily inaccessible because anxiety has taken control.
As such, the key is to help her feel safe enough to access knowledge.
Reassurance isn’t the way forward
Parents naturally try to soothe exam anxiety by offering reassurance. Telling your daughter that she is prepared, reminding her of past successes or minimising the importance of the test all come from a place of love. Unfortunately, anxiety does not respond well to logic or reason.
When someone is anxious, their emotional brain is in charge. Logical reassurance can feel distant or even invalidating. She may take it as though you are telling her she shouldn’t feel how she does, even though we both know that’s not your intention.
Reassurance alone rarely reduces anxiety long term, so there’s other steps you’ll need to take. Let me lay out a 5-step system for you…
Step 1: Separate preparation from performance
One of the most helpful shifts you can make is separating how she prepares from how she performs. At the moment, the two are emotionally fused. If she performs poorly, she feels her preparation was pointless or that she has failed as a person.
Start reinforcing the idea that preparation is something she can control, while performance is influenced by many factors. Praise her effort, consistency and routines regardless of the outcome. This slowly retrains her brain to see preparation as worthwhile, even when anxiety interferes.
Step 2: Teach her what exam anxiety is doing to her body
Teenagers often feel frightened by anxiety itself. The racing heart, nausea and shaking can make them feel out of control. Explaining what is happening physiologically can be incredibly calming.
You might say: “Your body thinks the test is a threat, so it is trying to protect you. That does not mean the test is dangerous. It just means your alarm system is very sensitive.” Helping your daughter understand this can reduce shame and fear, which are major drivers of anxiety.
Step 3: Build pre-test routines that make her feel safe
Anxious brains crave predictability. Help your daughter develop a simple, repeatable routine before tests. This might include:
- The same breakfast
- A short walk
- A breathing exercise or guided meditation on YouTube
- Listening to calming music
The goal is not to eliminate anxiety but to send signals of safety to the nervous system.
Step 4: Reframe ‘blanking’ as learning opportunities
Many anxious students believe that going blank means they are failing. Teach your daughter that blanking is temporary and normal – and it’s also an opportunity for her to learn how to work through it.
Encourage her to try strategies like skipping a question and returning to it later in an exam setting. Often, once the initial anxiety settles, the information returns. This will also her stay engaged rather than panicking further.
Step 5: Address the inner critic
Your daughter’s negative self talk after tests is just as important as the anxiety before them. Statements like “I am stupid” chip away at confidence over time. Gently challenge this narrative by reflecting facts back to her.
You might say: “You felt anxious and that made the test harder. That does not mean you are incapable.” Over time, this should help her develop a kinder internal voice.
What you can do as a parent
Sometimes anxiety around tests is linked to deeper fears about expectations, disappointing others or not being good enough. So, keep the door open for wider conversations. Ask her what she worries might happen if she does badly. Often, the fear goes far beyond the mark on the paper.
If her anxiety is severe or worsening, external support can be very valuable. Academic or exam coaching can help her develop practical coping strategies, while also addressing confidence and mindset. This kind of support focuses on the whole student, not just the syllabus.
It will get better – I promise
Your daughter does not need less care or less pressure. She needs to feel safe, understood and supported while learning how to manage a sensitive nervous system. And to be honest, it sounds like you’re on the right track already.
With the right tools and consistent reassurance that exam anxiety does not define her ability, she can learn to approach tests with greater calm. This is a skill, not a personality trait – and it is absolutely something she can master.
Do you have a question about your child’s education and/or wellbeing for Dr Tej? Submit it here and we’ll endeavour to answer in a future blog post.
