Welcome to Dear Dr Tej, a space for parents to ask honest questions about their child’s education and wellbeing. Each week, we share answers from Performance Learning founder Dr Tej Samani to help families navigate the emotional ups and downs of school life with calm, clarity and confidence. Submit a question of your own at the bottom of this page.
Dear Dr Tej,
My son, 15, just received the results from his Year 10 GCSE mock exams. He failed most of them, with a few Ds here and there. Obviously this isn’t ideal, so I’m exploring exam coaching options because I want to support him. I really want him to at least get a C in English, Maths and Science.
The problem is, he becomes defensive when I gently raise the idea of extra help. Even when I calmly explain why getting a C or above in English, Maths and Science is important, he doesn’t want to hear it.
I know exam results are not everything in life, but colleges and employers do expect a pass. I want to help him without overwhelming him. Do you have any advice on how I can encourage and support him… without pushing him away?
– A Worried Mum
Dr Tej says:
Thank you for being so honest about what you and your son are facing right now. Many parents go through this exact situation in Year 10, but also throughout the journey of GCSEs and A Levels. It can spark a mixture of worry, confusion and helplessness – but it can also be the boost that some children need to turn things around.
As a parent, it’s natural to be considering the best way to help. You care deeply, and that already puts you and your son on the right path. Grades may feel like the problem on the surface, but it’s what’s happening on a deeper level for your son that’s stopping him from reaching his potential .
Let’s take this step by step so you can support your son without damaging your relationship…
Mock results are feedback, not fate
The most important thing for you to know is this: mocks are not a prediction of the final exam result. They show where knowledge is thin, where technique needs improving and where habits might need adjusting.
Many students jump two or even three grades between mocks and the real exams once they understand what is holding them back. When a student sees a set of Ds, it is easy for them to assume they are not capable – but this is rarely the case.
Your son may have looked at those results and felt embarrassment, shame or even fear that he has disappointed you. Even the calmest parent in the world can still trigger those thoughts in a teenager, as they’re still learning how to process their emotions.
His defensiveness may not be resistance to support, but rather a shield to protect himself from feeling judged. Understanding this will help you approach him with compassion, and is the first step to supporting him in turning his grades around.
Why he might be resisting the idea of exam coaching
Getting external help for school can represent several things to a young person:
- Admission of struggle: Teenagers often fear that getting help means they are not smart enough.
- Fear of more work: If he already feels overwhelmed, the thought of extra sessions may feel impossible.
- Loss of control: Teenagers want to feel ownership over their decisions. An exam coach chosen for them can feel like something being done to them rather than with them.
- Shame: Even if you have been gentle, your son may still believe needing help makes him the odd one out.
Of course, you and I both know none of these things are true. We also know that none of these are reflections of his character or your parenting.
However, they are normal teenage reactions. So, the key is to help him see that support is not a punishment, but rather a practical tool that frees him to succeed.
Start by separating the grade from the child
When children see a disappointing result, they often fuse their identity with it. A poor grade in Maths becomes “I am bad at Maths”. A low grade in English becomes “I am not smart enough”.
These beliefs underline many Year 10 meltdowns – trust me, I’ve seen it hundreds of times. Your son may look calm on the surface, but inside he’s probably questioning his ability.
If you can manage to get him to speak just a little bit about his grades – and don’t force it if he doesn’t to – I recommend saying things along these lines:
- “Your Year 10 mock results are a snapshot, not a statement about you.”
- “These grades tell us what to improve, not who you are.”
- “Every student has something they need to work on in Year 10. This is your starting point for that.”
When you separate the grade from his identity, you lower the emotional intensity and make space for action.
Shift the focus from exams
Right now, the word “coach” may feel too loaded for him. Instead of leading with the idea of exam coaching, lead with the idea of support. Ask questions that invite him into the process of how he’s feeling, rather than placing him in the passenger seat.
Try questions like:
- “If you could improve one subject first, which would feel most manageable?”
- “What makes revision feel difficult for you at the moment?”
- “What kind of help would feel least stressful?”
- “Would it help if someone explained the way your brain processes information?”
When you allow him to explore the problem with you, he becomes part of the solution. This is the golden ticket to turning things around, because teenagers are far more open to help when they feel like they’re in the driver’s seat.
Show him that support comes in different forms
It may help to gently widen your son’s idea of what support looks like. Sessions with an exam coach are one option, but not the only one.
You can show him that there are choices like small group exam masterclasses, free resources (we provide lots here at Performance Learning) and online learning platforms.
I find that group exam masterclasses work particularly well for teenagers, because it shows them that there are lots of other people in the same situation as them – even if it doesn’t always look that way.
And when your son sees that getting help does not automatically mean long afternoons of extra work, I can guarantee that his resistance will soften.
Rebuild confidence through small wins
Here at Performance Learning, there is nothing we love more than celebrating the small wins.
A student who has received several Ds needs to celebrate every milestone of progress, as it helps them stay motivated. A small win could be something like finally being able to explain a complex scientific idea in simple language, or getting to grips with a mathematical formula.
These small wins alter inner-beliefs, and celebrating them creates glimmers of hope. It will encourage your child to acknowledged them for what they are: a step towards success.
Once your son feels capable in one area, he becomes more willing to tackle others. Confidence creates motivation, not the other way around.
Keep communication steady and pressure low
Teenagers respond far better to consistency than intensity. So, gentle chats spread across the week will do more good for your son than one big sit down conversation where everything is discussed at once.
Keep reinforcing that you are on his side and that passing his exams is something you will work towards together.
Once you have rebuilt some confidence and reduced resistance, you can revisit the idea of exam coaching. Frame it as a tool rather than a correction:
- “This person can show you shortcuts and strategies so the work feels lighter.”
- “You will not be doing more work, you will be doing smarter work.”
- “This is about setting you up for success in Year 11.”
Most teenagers warm to the idea of exam coaching when they realise the goal is to reduce stress, not add to it.
The hard truth about failing Year 10 mock exams
Your son is at a crossroads that many young people face when they don’t get the grades they wanted in mock exams.
Mocks can be humbling, but they can also be a turning point. With calm guidance, steady routines and the right support, your son can absolutely move from Ds to passes.
I have seen thousands of students make that jump when they stop seeing grades as a threat and start seeing them as something they can control.
You are doing the right thing by approaching him with care. Stay patient, stay collaborative and keep reminding him that he is capable of far more than one set of mock results suggests.
Do you have a question about your child’s education and/or wellbeing for Dr Tej? Submit it here and we’ll endeavour to answer in a future blog post.
