Welcome to Dear Dr Tej, a space for parents to ask honest questions about their child’s education and wellbeing. Each week, we share answers from Performance Learning founder Dr Tej Samani to help families navigate the emotional ups and downs of school life with calm, clarity and confidence. Submit a question of your own at the bottom of this page.
Dear Dr Tej,
I feel like I am losing the battle with my son and his phone. He is 12-years-old and whenever I look at him, he is staring at a screen watching things like ‘Italian brainrot’. He scrolls first thing in the morning and last thing at night, and nowadays, his attention span feels minuscule and he gets restless whenever he is not on his phone. I worry it is affecting his focus at school, and even his confidence and mood.
I know it sounds dramatic that I think this is ‘rotting’ his brain, but that phrase captures how powerless I feel. Plus, that’s what the type of content he’s consuming is actually called!
We have tried rules, reminders and time limits but nothing seems to make any lasting difference. I do not want to ban his phone because I know that will only create more arguments and push him further away from me. I want him to learn balance and self control, not fear or guilt. How can we help him without turning our home into a battleground?
– An anti-brainrot parent
Dr Tej says:
What you are experiencing is far more common than you might think. Phone addiction – and the nature of mindless, quick content that is easily accessible these days – is a real problem for a lot of children. Families across the country are quietly having the same conversations as you, feeling the same worry and carrying the same guilt. Phones have become so deeply woven into teenage life that any attempt to change habits can feel like swimming against the tide.
Before anything else, I want to reassure you that what you are seeing is not evidence of a damaged brain. It’s a sign of bad habits. The good news is that attention is a skill that can be rebuilt with patience and structure. Let me explain how…
Why phones feel impossible to put down
Modern phones are built to capture attention. Every notification, vibration or swipe sends a dopamine response to the brain, which is better thought of as a tiny burst of reward. Teenagers are especially reactive to this because their reward systems are still developing. When your son reaches for his phone again and again, he is not choosing to be difficult. He is responding to a device designed to be irresistible to him.
Over time, the brain becomes used to fast, constant stimulation that it begins to expect it. I work with schools up and down the country, and I see this problem seeping into classrooms everywhere. Tasks that move more slowly, like homework or revision, feel uncomfortable for children. Their attention has been trained to move quickly and so it struggles to stay in one place. The good news is that attention is flexible, and the brain can learn to slow down again with the right practices.
The emotional layer you may be noticing
You mentioned snaps, frustration and arguments when you ask your son to put the phone away. This reaction is emotional rather than rebellious. For many young people, the phone is not just a device; it is connection, identity and escape. If your son is stressed, overwhelmed or unsure of himself, the phone gives him quick relief. When you take it away, he loses that comfort.
I think it’s important that parents understand this emotional layer before addressing phone-related issues at home. It will help you approach the topic calmly and with empathy, rather than escalating into conflict.
Why boredom feels unbearable to your child
Teenagers often say they are bored within minutes of putting their phone down. This is not boredom in the traditional sense, as you and I would have known it when we were teenagers. It is withdrawal from constant stimulation and dopamine bursts provided by their phones. The brain is adjusting to a slower pace and it feels uncomfortable. The ability to sit with boredom is linked to resilience and creativity.
How to create balance without battles
The goal is not to ban your son’s phone or frighten him into changing. The goal is to help him build a relationship with his screen that leaves him calm, grounded and able to focus when needed. Here are some gentle steps that many families find helpful:
1. Shift from control to collaboration
Instead of telling him what must change, involve him in the decision. Ask what he enjoys about his phone and what he thinks gets in the way. When young people feel respected, they are far more willing to meet you halfway. You may find he already knows his phone is affecting him but does not know how to fix it alone.
2. Create protected focus time
Agree on short periods each day when the phone is out of reach. Not a whole evening, just small blocks where he practises engaging in person without interruption. It could be a conversation over dinner, or some time to read a book, or do some sports in the garden. Just 15 to 20 minutes is enough to begin retraining attention. Keep these periods predictable and lighthearted, so that your son knows exactly when they start and finish – and so he looks forward to them, which is key.
3. Replace the compulsion
If you ask him to put the phone away and offer nothing as an alternative, the urge to return becomes overwhelming. Replace phone time with something structured and positive. A snack break, a walk, a chat, a small chore or a fun activity creates a smoother transition and reduces arguments.
4. Introduce gentle buffer zones
Choose moments where phones are simply not used. That could be meals, the first 10 minutes after waking or the last half hour before bed. These boundaries calm the mind and help regulate mood and sleep.
5. Model the balance
Children copy what they see more than what they are told. If you check your own phone often, he will mirror that behaviour. If you use your phone intentionally and take breaks from it, he will begin to do the same.
6. Help him understand his own habits
Talk to him about what happens to the brain with constant switching. Teenagers respond well to understanding the science behind behaviour. It gives them a sense of ownership and reduces feelings of shame, as it helps them understand that they are not the problem.
When phone use begins to affect schoolwork
If his phone habits interfere with homework or revision, structure becomes essential. Create a calm study space and agree that the phone stays in another room during short work periods.
If your son continues to struggle with organisation, focus or emotional regulation, personalised academic coaching can make a significant difference. Coaching, like what we offer at Performance Learning, helps young people understand how their mind works and gives them tools they can use independently. It can be especially helpful for students who feel stuck but cannot explain why.
Let me reassure you
Your son is not losing his ability to think. His brain is simply overwhelmed by habits built around fast stimulation – and we can break that down. With patience, warm communication and consistent boundaries, those habits will shift.
Teenagers are more adaptable than they appear – trust me, I see thousands of them turn things around every year. Once your son experiences the calm and clarity that come from balanced screen use, he will begin to choose it for himself. He just needs you to guide him towards habits that support his wellbeing, confidence and learning.
Performance Learning helps young people develop healthier habits, stronger attention and more confidence through structured, personalised academic and exam coaching. If you would like support for your child, you can learn more or book a call today.
Do you have a question about your child’s education and/or wellbeing for Dr Tej? Submit it here and we’ll endeavour to answer in a future blog post.
