Welcome to Dear Dr Tej, a space for parents to ask honest questions about their child’s education and wellbeing. Each week, we share answers from Performance Learning founder Dr Tej Samani to help families navigate the emotional ups and downs of school life with calm, clarity and confidence. Submit a question of your own at the bottom of this page.
Dear Dr Tej,
I think my 16-year-old son is scared to leave school – despite the fact he’s totally outgrown it. He’s currently in Year 11 and preparing for his final GCSE exams.
He doesn’t particularly enjoy the traditional school set up so is considering either college or an apprenticeship. I’ve been talking to him about starting applications for these but he immediately shuts down whenever the conversation arises.
In my opinion, he’s trying to put blockers in the way. For example, one college he won’t apply to because he “doesn’t like the building”.
He’s really not interested in doing his A Levels, so I know he’s not holding out for better grades on that front. I genuinely believe he’s putting off applications for college and apprenticeship because he’s scared to leave school. It’s a safe space that he’s known for so long.
I’m really not sure how to get him over this hump. Let’s be honest, there’s a big wide world out there after school and it can be pretty scary! What can I do to encourage my son to start taking proactive steps about his future, and help him feel less scared about what awaits beyond school life?
– A Frustrated Mum
Dr Tej says:
Thank you for opening up to me about your son being scared to leave school. What you are describing is far more common than many parents realise, especially in Year 11.
When a young person is approaching the end of school, the outside world can suddenly feel very real and very intimidating. Even when school no longer fits them, it can still feel safe simply because it is familiar. Your instincts are likely right: this does not sound like laziness or stubbornness, but rather like fear mixed with uncertainty.
Let me reassure you straight away. Your son’s hesitation does not mean he lacks ambition or direction. It means he is at a crossroads in his life, and the decisions he now has to make are emotionally demanding – even for confident teenagers.
Leaving school is frightening
School provides structure, routine and a clear sense of identity. For years, your son has known exactly where he needs to be, what his role is and how success is measured. When that structure starts to dissolve, it can feel unsettling.
The world beyond school does not come with a timetable pinned to the wall or teachers reminding you what to do next. That freedom can feel exciting to adults but overwhelming to teenagers.
For a young person who has outgrown the traditional school environment, the paradox is this: school no longer suits them, but it is still predictable. The unknown that comes next feels much riskier.
A common way that teens process fear of the unknown is through avoidance – it’s something I see all the time as an education coach. Instead of saying “I am scared,” teens find reasons not to act.
The truth behind his objections
You mentioned that your son will not apply to one college because he does not like the building. On the surface, that sounds trivial. But actually, this is a classic example of how fear disguises itself. When the emotional brain is overwhelmed, it looks for concrete reasons to justify avoidance. Disliking a building is something tangible. It feels easier to explain than saying “I am not sure I can cope with what comes next.”
When parents challenge these reasons head on, teenagers often retreat further. They feel misunderstood or pressured, which strengthens the avoidance. Instead of arguing with the reason, it is more helpful to look at what sits underneath it – which it looks like you’re already trying to do, so well done on that front.
He’s not scared of making a choice
It is important to recognise that your son’s fear is not really about choosing college versus an apprenticeship. It is about stepping into adulthood. That step comes with questions your son may not yet have the language to express. He may be asking himself:
- What if I choose wrong?
- What if I fail?
- What if I’m the only one who doesn’t know what they’re doing?
- What if college is horrible?
These questions can feel heavy at 16, and so avoiding applications delays him having to face them.
Don’t put pressure on him
As parents, it is natural to want to push forward momentum. You can see deadlines approaching and opportunities that require action. But when a teenager feels fearful about anything, pressure rarely creates progress. Instead, it confirms their belief that the situation is dangerous.
Your son shutting down when the conversation about his future arises is a sign that his nervous system is overwhelmed. His brain is trying to protect him from perceived threat – and when that happens, logic and persuasion stop working.
How to open the conversation differently
Rather than focusing on applications, try shifting the conversation to focus on your son’s feelings. This might feel uncomfortable at first, but it often lowers resistance.
You might say something like: “I’ve noticed that when we talk about next steps, it feels stressful for you. I am not trying to push you. I just want to understand what feels hard.”
This invites honesty without judgement. Even if he does not answer straight away, you are planting the idea that his feelings matter as much as his choices.
Break the future into smaller chunks
Right now, the future probably feels like one big overwhelming leap. College, apprenticeships, adulthood, responsibility all rolled into one. That’s a lot any adult, let alone for any teenager.
Help your son shrink this picture. Instead of talking about his future, talk about the next tiny step. That step might be:
- Visiting a college rather than applying
- Speaking to someone doing an apprenticeship
- Watching a short video about a course
- Writing down what he does and does not enjoy
Normalise uncertainty rather than trying to remove it
Many parents instinctively try to reassure an anxious or scared child by saying everything will be fine. Whilst this is well intentioned, it can feel dismissive to a teenager who is genuinely scared.
Instead, normalise uncertainty. Let your son know that not knowing is expected. You might say: “It makes sense that this feels scary. Most people do not feel ready when they leave school. You are allowed to figure things out as you go.”
This removes the pressure to feel confident before taking action.
Help him see that choices are not permanent
Teenagers often believe that whatever they choose now will define their entire future. You and I both know this isn’t the case – but this belief can completely freeze decision making in young people.
Gently challenge that idea. Help him understand that few choices at 16 are final, and thus he has no need to be scared to leave school. Courses can be changed. Apprenticeships can lead to different paths. Many adults take winding routes before finding what suits them. When choices feel flexible, action feels safer.
Encourage him to be independent
One fear young people rarely voice is the fear of being left alone to cope. Even if they want independence, they also want to know their support system is there for them to lean on whenever they need it.
You can reinforce this by saying: “Whatever you choose, I am still here. This is not you being pushed out into the world. It is you stepping forward with support behind you.”
My final bit of advice
Leaving school is one of the first major transitions in a young person’s life. Even when they are ready on paper, they may not feel ready inside. Your son’s reluctance does not mean he lacks courage. It means he is human.
You are doing the right thing by noticing what sits beneath his behaviour rather than simply pushing him forward. Keep the conversations gentle, keep the steps small and keep reminding him that the future does not have to be decided all at once.
With time, reassurance and the knowledge that he is supported, he will begin to move forward and no longer be scared to leave school. Our goal here isn’t to completely take away the fear, but rather ensure your son feels safe enough to take the next step anyway.
Do you have a question about your child’s education and/or wellbeing for Dr Tej? Submit it here and we’ll endeavour to answer in a future blog post.
