[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Welcome to Dear Dr Tej, a space for parents to ask honest questions about their child’s education and wellbeing. Each week, we share answers from Performance Learning founder Dr Tej Samani to help families navigate the emotional ups and downs of school life with calm, clarity and confidence. Submit a question of your own at the bottom of this page.
Dear Dr Tej,
I’m feeling infuriated with my 13-year-old daughter. She’s super bright – but does the bare minimum when it comes to school work. She gets away with it as her exam results are always a good pass. But she’s not reaching her potential at all… and she’s totally fine with it?!
Her indifference is driving me up the wall. I know I could turn to nagging, bribing or some other tactic, but I don’t think it would make a difference. She simply wouldn’t do any more work than she needs to to get that pass. She seems to know what she can get away with.
Do I have to just pray that she works out before exams that if she puts a bit of effort in she might achieve more? I’m trying my best to seem as calm and unannoyed as possible.
– A Frustrated Mum
Dr Tej says:
Thank you for reaching out and for being so honest about how you feel. Many parents come to me with similar frustrations to yours. I totally get it – it’s incredibly difficult to watch a bright young person do the bare minimum and seem completely unbothered by it. What you are describing is one of the most common patterns I see when a parent worries they have an unmotivated child… especially one who still manages to pass without much effort.
Before we go deeper, I want to reassure you of two things. Firstly, you are not imagining the problem. If you feel your daughter is operating below her potential, she probably is. Secondly, and most importantly, I want to stress that her behaviour does not mean she is lazy or careless. When a parent thinks they have an unmotivated child, what they often really have is a child who has not yet found a meaningful reason to push themselves.
Let us explore why this happens and what you can do to support her without nagging, bribing or damaging the relationship.
Why some bright children are unmotivated
A bright student who never struggles discovers very quickly that they can do less and still get a pass. This becomes a comfortable pattern. A pass keeps teachers satisfied, reduces pressure at home and protects their pride.
In short, the system still rewards them, even if they’re operating way below their potential. If you imagine life through her eyes, she has found a way to maintain success with minimal effort. It makes total sense that this is a method she wants to stick to; there’s no fear of failure and she’s having a much easier time than her peers.
There are lots of children who simply do not feel any urgency or see any benefit from pushing themselves. They have not yet learned that trying harder can actually feel good. But the good news is, we can absolutely turn that around – Dr Tej Samani
What makes this harder is that you can see her potential clearly while she cannot. You know she could achieve more, enjoy learning more and develop habits that will serve her for life. But she is 13, and so her focus is on the here and now, not the bigger picture.
It can feel personal, but it is not. She is not coasting through school to purposefully irritate you. She is coasting because she has never needed to push herself.
There are lots of children out there like your daughter, who simply do not feel any urgency or see any benefit from pushing themselves. They have not yet learned that trying harder can actually feel good. But the good news is, we can absolutely turn that around.
Nagging and bribing will not create motivation in a child
Judging from your question, you already sense this, which is a strength. When a parent thinks they have an unmotivated child, the instinct is often to push harder. But pushing usually creates the opposite effect. Nagging raises defensiveness. Bribing shifts the focus onto the reward rather than the learning. And long lectures rarely land with a teenager who thinks they are doing just fine.
If there’s just one thing you take away from my advice, please make it this: motivation cannot be forced into a child – it must be built from the inside out.
The fear hidden beneath low effort
Many bright children avoid trying because trying feels risky. If they put in effort and fall short, they worry this will expose them as less clever than people think. So they protect their identity by doing the minimum, which makes any failure easier to explain away.
Understanding this helps you see that an unmotivated child is often a worried child in disguise. Your daughter may appear confident, but she may also fear that stretching herself will threaten the identity she has built as someone who does well with ease.
How to guide an unmotivated child
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Shift the conversation away from grades
Instead of focusing on what your daughter is not doing, focus on what she might enjoy knowing more about. Ask questions like “Which topic feels interesting to you at the moment?” or “Is there something you wish felt easier?”. Curiosity creates engagement, whereas pressure creates withdrawal.
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Secretly guide them to feel good about themselves
One of the best ways to encourage an unmotivated child is to help them experience what it feels like to be genuinely good at something. Bright children who coast rarely experience true pride because they never stretch themselves.
So, I recommend asking your daughter to teach you something she knows, and make it seem like a genuine request. This teaching will reveal gaps in her knowledge and secretly challenge her to fill them, which in turn builds confidence.
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Celebrate effort, not outcome
When you celebrate your child putting in the effort, you can’t go wrong. It’s the golden ticket to building their confidence and encouraging them to always try new things, even when it seems hard. If your daughter does even a small amount of extra work, acknowledge it calmly:
- “I noticed you stuck with that. That shows real focus.”
- “That was a good choice. You gave yourself a chance to learn more.”
These types of affirmations reinforce good behaviour without making a child feel monitored.
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Avoid overreacting when they resist
When you are living with an unmotivated child, it is easy to slip into frustration. But your calmness is your most powerful tool. If your child senses anger or disappointment, they will push back or shut down. Keep your tone light, always.
Trust that motivation will grow
Many capable young people do not switch on academically until Year 10 or Year 11. They need to feel the stakes, and they need to be developmentally ready. Forcing motivation too early rarely works. Guiding motivation, however, always does.
Your goal is not to transform your daughter into a high achiever overnight. Your goal is to nurture a mindset where she feels safe enough to try.
You are doing better than you think
You are calm, thoughtful and self aware. That matters more than any strategy. Your daughter may not realise it now, but she has a parent who sees her potential without crushing her with pressure.
She is not lacking ability, she is lacking purpose like so many children her age. That reason will come. When it does, she will remember that you did not nag her, and instead created the space she needed to grow.
And when she does, she will move from an unmotivated child to a self-driven young person who knows she has more to offer than she once believed.
Do you have a question about your child’s education and/or wellbeing for Dr Tej? Submit it here and we’ll endeavour to answer in a future blog post. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]
